a word on planning.

I didn’t take my first improvisation class until I was 19 years old. At that point in my life, the concept of improvisation was totally lost on me, both in the dance studio and in life. I am a steadfast creature of habit, thriving in the reliability of consistency. I am a planner and a list-maker, and nothing makes me feel more safe than knowing exactly what I have done and will do. Those of you who are like this understand the rush that goes through your veins when crossing out items on your to-do list or writing out your daily schedule.

I used to (and still do) wish that I was more spontaneous - because that was a quality that felt more desirable than my boring loyalty to THE PLAN. Whatever THE PLAN was. I used to read Capricorn horoscopes and scoff at words like “dependable” and “hardworking.” But the truth is - I did work hard to get to where I was at 19 years old. Growing up, I never missed a dance class or rehearsal. I studied really hard and got good grades and had a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend. And I was proud of what I had worked - and planned - so hard for.

Then I took my first improv class. And all of a sudden, it didn’t matter what count I was on or if my leg was at the same angle as everyone else. It didn’t matter if I rehearsed a certain phrase a lot or thought about the choreography in my head before rehearsal. I was totally mystified by the idea of NOT PLANNING what I was going to do. During this period of time when I didn’t understand how anybody could improv and just dance “in the moment,” I used to think I could plan out what I would improv and nobody would be able to tell. But it really doesn’t work that way. Because maybe my knee is feeling a little tweak or my back is feeling a bit stiff or I have a blister on my big toe.

Now - six years later - I am much more comfortable with improv. In fact, I even LIKE to do it. I am still insecure and fearful about it, but I have found satisfaction in the intentionality of improv. In knowing what or why you’re dancing/moving about, even if you don’t know exactly how. It’s like knowing what colors you want to use without knowing exactly what you’re going to draw. It took a whole lot of practice for me to get to this point though; at first, I used to curse the blister on my big toe or deny the tightness of my back, but eventually I found that these factors that prevented me from following THE PLAN led to some pretty surprisingly beautiful moments. I’ve realized that I just need to hold the intention in my mind and have faith in my body that it’s all going to be okay.

This has proven to be a valuable life lesson for me. Sometimes, I stress and worry and premeditate so much that I lose sight of what I am working so hard for. I am hiking on a beautiful mountain with my partner and my dog, and I can’t stop thinking about when I’m going to answer the emails sitting in my inbox. Or I am taking my first sip of a fresh cup of coffee, and my mind is already racing with ideas of what I’m going to eat for dinner. But it doesn’t work to know exactly what you’re going to do at any given moment. You just have to hold the intention in your mind and have faith in your body that it’s all going to be okay.

xx,

J